Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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