Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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