i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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