The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
you made out with another girl for some wings
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I want a musical about memes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
