I think my fart just growled at me.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
