it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
