I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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