omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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