There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
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