No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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