C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
