Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
