You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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