you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
