all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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