My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
