Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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