I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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