The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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