A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i would punch a child for taco bell
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
