Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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