hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
