nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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