Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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