oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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