i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Watching her eat just hurts me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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