I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
