New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
