TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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