there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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