making cat noises will not fix the situation.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
