I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
