bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
