I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
