I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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