why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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