Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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