fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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