Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
