girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
