if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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