I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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