All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
