she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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