Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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