If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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