Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
why do cheetos always look like penises
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
