oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
