Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
