Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
