Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
