i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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